A few weeks ago, I was driving from Sacramento at night when I saw something interesting at Chevy’s Restaurant in Emeryville. Their sign read “Che.” I don’t know about you, but I get excited about that kind of stuff.

Imagine a picture on my Facebook profile revealing that the legendary Che Guevara owns a restaurant! That would bring so many page views to my page. Although I wouldn’t know how to convert that into cash, my “friends” might leave a few comments to make my day. I live on that stuff – LOL, LMAO, LMFAO.

My “smart” phone couldn’t take a good photo of Che’s Restaurant. I wanted to go home, grab my stupid Canon phone that at least has a working camera and return to Emeryville. But it was 3 a.m. and, in a city like Emeryville, which is only a square foot in size, I imagined the one-officer police department would be looking for anything that moves. I decided to take the photo the next night.

But I got to Emeryville too late. Mr. Chevy, that egomaniacal bastard, had fixed the light so the sign again read “Chevy’s.”

Two nights ago I was driving down Park Boulevard from the hills. (I don’t live up there. I go hiking there when I miss Kenya. Those unpaved trails remind me of roads back in The Old Country). When I’m descending from the heavenly hills near the Chabot Space Center, it’s usually the green “PARKWAY” sign on top of the theater that lets me know I’m about to enter the Earth’s atmosphere.

Two nights ago, I almost missed my destination. No, I wasn’t “working on laptops” like those Northwest Airlines pilots who overshot Minneapolis. The Parkway Theater sign only read PAR. I went home for my camera. Imagine what I could do with a photo of the legendary PARKWAY sign only showing a glowing PAR. I’d have tagged my Oakland Facebook friends with the photo accompanied by the caption: “The Parkway is on Par, but not with the Grand Lake Theater.” If my friends had a command of English half as good as mine they’d ROFLMAO.

My camera battery was dead. I decided to charge it and return the following night. No one is going to replace the lights of the sign of a theater that closed its doors more than a year ago, right? Right. But PAR wasn’t there next night. All the lights had gone off completely.

Now I hear there is a group called I Like the Parkway that has teamed up with Oakland Councilwoman Pat Kernighan to try to get the theater reopened. I really hope they succeed. I only went to the Parkway once, in 2006. I moved to Minneapolis the following year but, as soon as I realized that “Minnesota nice” means “we are going to be nice until your spoiled Californian self starts whining about the winter,” I returned to Oakland. In March 2009, I moved to an apartment two blocks from the Parkway.

Soon after moving into Oakland, I left the country for two weeks. I returned to find the Parkway closed. I was devastated. For a shy man like me, the Parkway was a great potential pick-up line.

“Hi, baby girl. Wanna do dinner and a movie? I live by the Parkway.”

If Lady said “Yes!” I’d take her to the Vietnamese restaurant on E. 18th Street and Third Avenue. Maybe she’d prefer the Chinese restaurant two doors from the Parkway, or the Mexican eatery up the street. And, if she’s one of those who think animals are cute, I’d pretend I was vegan and take her to either Roos Café or Woody’s. Ideally, we’d spare my pocket and have a slice of cheese pizza at the Parkway. I’m not cheap, but times are tough.

After watching some Rocky Horror Picture Show, I’d lead her next door to the Parkway Lounge (no relation to the theater) for something stronger than beer. If she comes from nearby, I’d walk her home, shake her hand goodnight and head to my lonely apartment. I guarantee you she’d be at my house the following day for some good old Kenyan cooking, most definitely ugali with sukuma wiki and karanga. 

I will rally my African friends to vote for you, Pat Kernighan, if you bring back the Parkway. I know we are not allowed to vote, Pat, but look at Nigeria, Kenya, Zimbabwe, Ethiopia and others, and you’ll see we have exceptional voting skills. We’ve got skills so mad the Electoral College at Laney would think you garnered 120 percent of the vote. That’s like winning every vote in your district and some from Rebecca Kaplan’s “At Large” District, whatever that means. (I have to check with the city attorney, but I think if you get that many votes you automatically become Mayor! Sorry Dellums. It’s the law).

But that’s a long-term assignment, Pat. For now, get the folks at I Like the Parkway to replace the light so I don’t overshoot my landing from the space center. I’d pick up a book of matches and fix the sign, but I don’t want police to arrest me for “loitering on the roof with intent to commit arson for lighting up a city landmark.”