The first process in cultivating a positive, shameless and joyful relationship with sex is having a language that actively and accurately describes pleasure. But what is to be done when the very core of our lexicon is steeped in archaic implications that stop delight before you can even unbutton your jeans?

"What counts as sex is what a guy does with his penis, and everybody (everything) else doesn't," said Lori Selke, a freelance erotic writer. "It means that everything else is valued less. Because society is revolved around it, that's what our whole sexual vocabulary is surrounded by."

 "Sex" is a word that is intrinsically discriminatory and elitist. In our mainstream culture, which is so focused on the pleasure of men and the power dynamics of sex, the struggle to facilitate open communication about sexual pleasure is an uphill battle.

"I think that every writer who writes about sex, runs into the vocabulary problem; the words are too harsh," Selke said. "How do I just say it without offending someone, but without being too vague." 

Juba Kalamka is a writer, artist and musician who works works at a clinic as an HIV tester. He is also an activist working with sex workers and intersexual advocacy. He said that, from a prevention standpoint, a descriptive sexual language is absolutely necessary so people's tastes and experiences can be voiced. That we need to find and use words that explain our sex lives, even if it's challenging.

"People need to be able to talk about what they do and what they like and why they do what they do and why they think they might like what they like in order to take care of themselves, their partners and their health," Kalamka said. "I don't think that necessarily there's a lack [of words] within the English language, I think there's a prohibition."

Kalamka notes that our prohibition on pleasurable vocabulary is not limited to sex. There is a matrix of punishment and shame rooted in the way we derive pleasure from food. Americans are taught to eat things because it is good for us, because it gives us strength, never because it tastes good. 

"There's a limit to the words you can speak about the way you like something, the way something tastes," he said. "The way that people talk about food is very similar to the way they talk about sex."

The same restrictions lends itself to words we use to describe sexual pleasure. The Protestant roots of our culture give our sexual language the connotation that sex is only to be used with the intention to reproduce. The more traditional and mainstream sexual community shelters its inhabitants from pleasure, finding any excuse to justify sex but the obvious: that it's fun and feels good.

"Since we don't talk about sexuality openly in our society in general, there's nothing that's plain out there, there's no neutral choice," Selke said.

Around the Bay Area, many writers and pleasure advocates have been working to try and get around the limitations of language to make sure people have a space to be open and honest about what turns them on. 

"A lot of what happens for me is about addressing the breaking and refiguring of that language within the language to create new spaces to talk about that stuff," Kalamka said. "There's a lot of people who are doing that, who are working around that, it's just kind of a constant battle to keep that space for yourself. The Bay Area is a place where people are about putting it into practice."

Selke said that she is not a writer that looks to coin new words, but rather works around the limitations to describe the heat of the moment in a conscious way.

"You can fool around with words, you get to mess around with words and entertain yourself with more fun words," Selke said. "I'm old enough to remember that when the second wave of feminism was going on, it's the 'woman envelopes him,' rather than 'being penetrated,' which is passive. You can reconceptualize. Presumably both people are participating for their pleasure."

In her stories, Selke said she works to make sure that both partners are active participants in their encounters, and also borrows from spaces with expanded vocabulary for pleasure. Words that are derived from eating, running, exercise or exertion allows the writer to communicate sexual pleasure through metaphor or simile.

Having a descriptive sexual language is crucial for cultivating a positive awareness of sex and sexuality. Turn-ons and sexual pleasure is something that is inherently unique to each individual. Adopting a normative template for sex will leave everyone unsatisfied, because there is no one right answer to eroticism.

Deconstructing these assumptions in a conscious way is the first step to becoming a sexually embodied individual. Being aware of and communicating the things that turn you on is the start to navigating this lexical minefield. 

"If you start as one, as a single person, what makes me feel good, you can go from there," Selke explained. "It will lead you in all sorts of different directions you might not have expected if you're thinking of sex as two or more always."

In my work with Oakland Local this summer I've interviewed many prominent sex educators who all lament the limited capacity of our sexual vocabulary.

Conversation that confronts these stigmas in the clinical and slang definitions for sexuality is something that should be adopted into our collective consciousness.

By introducing the idea of using conscious language to express sexual desires into our mainstream sex education, all will benefit.  We all know pleasure matters, why not accept it?